Ready, Set… Resist Re-setting

Funny what a pandemic can teach us: 

  Outdoors is restorative. 

 Screen-time will consume all time if we let it.

 Relationships give meaning to life.   

 Togetherness requires yielded-ness. 

 Electronic entertainment isn’t, after a while.  

 Face-to-face, not FaceTime or FaceBook. 

 We can live by computer alone, but who wants to?  

 Variety really is the spice of life. 

 We can get almost anything we want online, except what we want most.  

 We need each other. 

 Touch is irreplaceable.

 There is a spiritual void filled only by the Spirit.

 If we don’t move, we won’t move. 

 What stressed us before the pandemic need be reduced. 

✚ What de-stressed us during the pandemic need be increased.

Cabin Fever

How can longed-for time together not lead to “Cabin Fever,” before long?  

“Cabin fever” originally referred to typhus, but came to describe “the need to get out and about” after days of being trapped in a cabin by harsh elements. 

There are so many things that could be focused upon, from the need for time together and time apart, to the need for sunlight, exercise, nature, restorative music, reduced screen-time, good nutrition, solid sleep, and fasting from news and social media. But this article will assume that one shares a cabin—and thus a fever—with other humans, and will treat a key component to interpersonal communication. 

The main thing that challenges relationships in close quarters is that we lose autonomy. Things that we used to decide ourselves, without debate—even automatically—suddenly become agenda items for a cabin committee that is  always in session. Pre-lockdown, we’d worked out our routine of home-to-work, work-to-home, time with others and time alone. We knew our place and others knew theirs. Such routines and fairly independent patterns are a fading memory as a new routine is worked out, not independently, but with perpetual consideration for our cabin-mates. Those quick autonomous decisions—when to shower, what to eat, where to work or study, what is playing on what screen or speakers and how loud, what rooms to be in and when, who to be around, when to take breaks and where—all become dyadic discussions, group debates or hostile negotiations. It can be stressful for everyone as something so simple as turning a dial becomes a turf battle. So, what makes the  difference between a home filled with peaceful vacationers and a cabin filled with fever-ridden adversaries? 

The first thing is a mind-shift—we’re not in this alone. Autonomy is easier; relationships are harder. Relationships require consideration, empathy, understanding, and mutual support (unless you’re an adult whose cabin-mates have still-forming brains; then your expectations must be checked against developmental reality). This takes doses of patient listening, self-control, gentleness, servant-heartedness, sacrifice, yielding and love. It takes conforming to one another rather than trying to transform one another into ourself…. “Do things the way I do; have the same preferences I have; want what I want, feel what I feel, think what I think, and share my opinion on everything.” That’s not gonna work; better pitch a tent in the back yard.  

Relationships are about adjusting to each other, and adjusting peacefully means listening more than talking and wanting to understand as much as wanting to be understood. Preferably more (see separate blog on Dynamic Tension). The following illustration may help. 

EUSAw

EUSAw – You won’t find it in a dictionary, and I wish it meant something from a borrowed language, but it doesn’t. It is, however,  an acronym for what is very useful to keep minor differences from becoming major battles. 

  • Empathize
  • Understand
  • Support
  • Affirm
  • wonder

The first thing we must do if we want connection, not contention, is to recognize what emotion is in the driver’s seat of the other’s brain at the moment (see the movie, Inside Out). Note whether the other is feeling excited, irritated, sad, hurt, prioritized, scared, put down, important, overwhelmed, unloved, appreciated, liked, etc. Notice it. Name it. Empathize. That is, get in the passenger seat alongside them. “How frustrating.” “I’m sorry.” “How exciting!” “That must have been disappointing.” “That had to be painful.” Empathy connects us; don’t skip it. Especially don’t minimize someone’s feelings or try to talk them out of what they’re feeling. Especially, especially don’t skip empathy in favor of fixes, criticisms, or repeating over and again your different point of view. Any of those will bring contention, not connection. Empathize first. 

Secondly, understand—and voice your understanding—of the other’s perspective. Voicing  does not mean agreement, it means you listened; you heard. That’s love. That’s caring. That’s being there for someone. That’s friendship. That’s marriage, and family. If it helps, pretend you are writing someone’s biography for them and you’ve sought to get their perspective on something. After listening, you read it back to them: “So, you’d rather participate in planning something fun than be surprised, even if the surprise is fun. Is that right?” Ideally, the other will affirm what you got right, and maybe modify what you said a bit, if there was something missing. Now we’re in a position to argue them out of their perspective and into ours, right? Wrong! Perspectives will differ; that’s relationships. Why would two people with differing temperaments, different upbringings, maybe different genders, different life experiences, different tastes, different paces, different ideas about what’s recreational and what’s restful, have the same point of view on anything!?! Our goal isn’t to talk someone out of their point of view into ours; it’s to understand their different point of view so that we can be of support to one-another; yielding to one another as we share life, space, food, time, and decisions. 

Support is best achieved through mutual yielding. If both are yielding to the other, then neither has to be fighting the other for right of way. It’s like an uncontrolled intersection in the country where two roads meet amid nothing but fields. No stop sign. No yield sign. It’s just understood that the two drivers approaching the intersection at the same time will seek to understand each other and yield to each other. They will read and gauge each other’s speed, given one another’s distance  from the intersection and—understanding what space and time the other needs to pass through the intersection safely—will yield to one another so that everyone in both vehicles ends up alive and unhurt. That’s the win. It’s not a contest; it’s consideration. For the driver further from the intersection to gun their engine in a challenge to overcome his greater distance and pass through the intersection first would be a pitiful display of immaturity. Mature drivers yield to one another. So it is in relationships. If you like arguing, competing, and winning, go find a job or recreation where that is a skill; in marriage and families, it is not. In marriage, spouses are there for each other, not against each other; they are the best of friends. In families, too, the idea is of a unit there for one another, not pitted against each other. The goal of marriage and of family is to be safe for one other. Empathic. Understanding. Supportive. 

And affirming. People like being around people who make them feel good. In fact, research shows that good relationships have a very high ratio of feel-good to feel-bad interactions. People like being built up rather than being torn down. People like being celebrated for what they did well, rather than criticized for what they did wrong.” Instead of criticizing what someone did “wrong” according to your subjective opinion (it didn’t meet your standard, match your preference, accord with you style or pace or something else), can you instead affirm when they did it “right?” That is, can you paint the picture of what success looks like, rather than run the game film of their “mistake?”  Can you affirm what the other has done in the past, or on a regular basis, or affirm something about their character trait that you appreciate; something that meets your preference of the moment? For instance, instead of  criticizing with a statement like, “Why can’t you ever pick up your own stuff!?! What am I, your cleaning staff?” Instead, notice when things are clean and picked up and affirm it. Thank the other; tell them how nice it looks, or how peaceful the house feels when it’s in order. Be grateful, not critical. If that’s not your style, learn it. We know how. We do this with people we regard as important. 

Lastly—and this is where your own perspective and needs come in—wonder out loud about options and ideas that might be a mutual win. You’ve already listened first to understand one another, including  the feelings that are driving the moment; now wonder aloud about ideas for supporting one another. “What would you think if I worked in the kitchen and you took the dining room, or vice-versa? Do you have a preference?”  Or, “Yes, I’d love to unwind after dinner; I wonder—instead of a movie, what would you think about watching something short?” The idea is a soft volley, not a hard edict. It’s an irenic idea brought to the table. It’s negotiation by offering what the other needs, not demanding what I need. It’s considerate and protective of the other. It’s voicing our consideration in an other-centered proposal. It’s friendship. 

So, EUSAw… a prescription for fever reduction when brought about by chronic human interaction. 

Did you win this Christmas? 

So much is going on around Christmas and the holidays, that competition is created. Competition for time, how money gets spent, what gets our attention, who is heard, what influences are yielded to, what activities are engaged in and which are postponed or eliminated altogether. At the end of it all, we wonder if we handled it well, especially as we head into a new year resolute to do better. What’s the measure for determining “success” at crazed times with so many factors in competition? 

Consumerism tells us that success means having gotten the best deal. Productivity measures success by how much we got done. Process orientation measures success by how efficiently we got it done. And a competitive drive measures success by how our purchases and productivity compare that of to others. All of these are objective standards that invite a determination of success by what is measured. 

But, what matters most in life is subjective, resisting measurements by quantifiable data.  At the end of the day, life is about relationships. And relationships are measured by fuzzy criteria like how people feel; whether they feel prioritized and important; to what extent they feel accepted, protected, liked, and enjoyed. Relational success is fueled by laughter, love, smiles, and caring touch. Relationships are about kindness, patience, gentleness, generosity, virtue, integrity, tenderness, grace and mercy. Relationships win when—amid all the competition—people experienced that their needs and feelings were more important than getting a great deal, getting a lot done, or doing things “efficiently.”

In God’s economy, wins are measured in relationships, and relational wins aren’t counted; they’re felt. 

May you have a winning new year. 

BE NICE

Dr. John Gottman’s off-quoted four decades of research on marriage, from which he has compiled reliable predictors of divorce and trustworthy principles for marital success, can be summarized in this advice: “Be nice.” Amazing. Decades of scientific research has discovered that people prefer to be married to someone who is nice to them. Whodathunk?  In fact, his data from observing 4,000 couples shows that satisfied couples make each other feel good twenty times more than they make each other feel bad. Even during conflict, they maintain a ratio of 5:1, making each other feel good five times more than they make each other feel bad during disagreements. Such a mathematical approach invites the simple self-check of identifying one’s planned actions and verbiage as a plus or minus on the “feel good“ scale. That is, is it going to make our partner feel good? If not, then how is unkind look, comment, or act worth it, if the goal is a happy marriage? 

Marriage counselors are often faced with the initial task of getting partners to quit blaming each other for marital problems, and to begin focusing instead on their interactive patterns that have pit them against one another. These uncaring patterns fraught with misunderstanding have not “felt nice,“ and thus have served as a rationalization to each “victim” to not be nice in return. That is, rudeness, inconsideration, and failure  on the part of one’s spouse to “be there“ in a supportive way leaves a person defensive, or self – protective, thus justifying behavior that is not protective of the other. The relationship is thus  cannibalized. As a result, “communication” becomes a toxic swirl of harshness, criticism, blame, and defensiveness. In this toxic swirl, one or both partners is more interested in communicating how they feel than in protecting the other’s feelings by how they communicate.

What need happen is the recognition that instead of being torn asunder by in-fighting, the two can instead be drawn together by mutual protection in pursuit of a mutual mission (“Shared Meaning” in Gottman terminology). This Recognition results in a shift from “me” to “we.” Partners switch from protection of self to protection of other, and protection of “us.”Marriage is a union; the two are one. To wound one’s partner is to wound “us.’  Not worth it. To defend the other with the same level of interest as protecting oneself is vulnerable; it comes without guarantee that the other half of the union will be equally protective. The apostle Paul – ironically a bachelor – summed it up well in Romans 12:18 when he admonished, “As far as it depends upon you, live at peace with others.“ This removes the rationalization for self-protective, self–centered behavior… “Well s/he was mean, first.” That justification might have worked on the playground, but it will destroy a marriage. Adults go first.

This is not easy, of course; no easier than when warring countries call a cease-fire and sit together together at table to work out a peace accord. Nothing about restoring peace can be easy after so many wounds have been inflicted. But it is done. Peace and reconciliation are worth it. Trust between former enemies is thereafter built, safe interaction by safe interaction. One comes to experience a former enemy as one’s present and future friend through now kind, protective words and deeds. 

If a person cannot be nice to the person they profess to love—even with the help of a counselor trained in couples therapy—then there are a couple of things potentially going on. One possibility is that this person has no reason to think that past injuries won’t continue. Perhaps there has been no meaningful conversation where the hurt partner has felt understood, and their wounded emotions validated. Perhaps there has been no apology (one without excuses or rationalizations). Or perhaps that partner needs individual counseling. for, if one can’t love and protect others, then there is a need help and healing. If one can’t stop blaming their partner for all of the marital problems, then intervention is needed. Ideally, the partner will recognize this for themselves. All relationships have interactive patterns that exist on a spectrum of health. Most could be healthier; that means changes on both sides of the patterned equation. Best to begin with oneself. Rarely (never?) does it work well when the victimized partner suggests the other’s need for counseling – or worse – proceeds to diagnose the other as a narcissist or having bipolar or borderline personality traits. That may be the case, but better to hear it from a professional who can offer support  and tools for change. 

Only then will the harsh, critical, blaming, defensive cycle change through humble mutual focus on the interactive patterns. Only then will friendship and mutual protection replace reciprocal volleys of criticism, blame, and defensiveness. Only then will the nice-to-nasty ratio rise, such that the marriage is each partner’s safest place on earth. 

HOME AS ATTACHMENT HAVEN

Home should be a place where everyone experiences safety, security, acceptance, nurture, comfort, care, love, and respect. Emotionally healthy people are relationally healthy toward others. Hurt people hurt people and loved people love people. It starts in the home. Home should be the healthiest emotional environment we have; the place where we are most loved, respected, honored, celebrated, and protected. Home is to be a refueling station; a retreat center; a MASH unit where we receive repair after being beat up by the world, infused with renewed strength and confidence to be sent out for the next round. Parents, of course, can’t expect to always receive these from children; it is the place of children to receive them from adults, such that they can supply the same to their own children, in time. That leaves the  adults in the house to unselfishly provide for each other safety, security, acceptance, nurture, comfort, care, love, and respect. This ensures a healthy supply for both parents to drawn upon as they dispense such other-centered attachment needs to their children.
Some adults enter parenthood with attachment wounds—deficits from childhood in these areas. It is harder for them to give what they did not receive. They reach into their experiential “bag” and it’s relatively empty of these experiences. In fact, the opposites might have been the norm. Mom or dad (or both) might’ve been physically gone for emotionally absent, due to work or educational demands, deployment, distractions, ill health, or mental illness. Or, abuse of a physical or emotional nature may have been normative. Whatever the case, the hardwiring of childhood safety, security, love, and nurture were only loosely wired, if at all. Many of these disadvantaged parents do their best to give their children what they themselves were not given. In doing so, they guess at what is normal. They model their behavior on someone other than their parents. They reach into someone else’s experiential bag and emulate what they find. This is the best that can be done, short of reparative experiences of safety, security, acceptance, nurture, comfort, care, love, and respect, post-childhood.
Parents with attachment wounds should not criticize themselves, nor be criticized. Rather, need to give themselves grace, and be patiently shown it by others, along with reparative attachment experiences by those fortunate enough to have received them. Attachment–disadvantaged must resolve to not repeat the negative patterns they experienced from their parents and caregivers, but to recognize what they lacked, and learn what they and their children need. Attachment wounds become a motivator to investigate how to provide it better than our own parents provided. Reparative experiences can be provided by an other-centered spouse with a healthier childhood attachment history. Reparative experiences can also be provided by God, the perfect Parent, who fully accepts us in our sin, loves us unconditionally, nurtures us constantly, and provides an eternal safe place of secure belonging. In the arms of this Father, many have been “born again,” with a new “childhood” in relation to a perfect Parent. As God faithfully provides every attachment need, they come to find a wealth of experiences from which to draw as they love, protect, respect and nurture their own children, and others.

Best Christmas Gift: Extending Unconditional Love

 

Togetherness. It happens at Christmas. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Yes, it is. Togetherness means drawing close; but sometimes that feels like a collision. The trick is managing our togetherness with other-centeredness toward each others’ speed and direction.
If you’ve ever heard me speak or teach on relationships, you know that “other-centeredness” is how I define love. As an expert on the worlds of your loved ones, you know some of things that makes them feel good; you have knowledge of what they enjoy; you have experience in how words affect them; how decisions feel respectful and empowering or disregarding and defeating. You know some things they like and some things they hate. And you know what contributes to their sense of well-being and protection. In other words, you know how to love the people in your life in other-centered ways.
This Christmas, give the gift of other centeredness. Extend unconditional love without regard for reciprocation. Go first in offering respect, honor, kindness, gentleness, patience, and protection. Resist the temptation to even look for anything in return. Let the joy be in the giving, not in receiving. Love from the overflow of God’s love, who drew close to you in Christ despite it all, offering grace, forgiveness, and mercy that is new every morning.

All Relationships Come Down to This

There are people you count as friends. There are people whom you most decidedly do not count as friends. What’s the difference? Around your friends you feel good; accepted; nurtured, protected, maybe even loved. You trust your friends; you presume they’re there for you, as you’re there for them; that they’ve “got your back,” as you have theirs. “Enemies” by definition are not for you, but against you. They don’t have your back, they’re stabbing you in the back. And for those of us not in third grade, anymore, we probably don’t count anyone as an enemy, but there are people we don’t number as “friends,” either. We just don’t feel special around them; there’s not a connection or bond we’re going to seek out when we need nurture. There are others—friends—that we trust to meet those needs, or at least to wallow with us in our neediness.

That’s it. A friend doesn’t even have to be successful at meeting our needs; they just have to really, really want to, and feel really badly when they’re not able to. That feels great! We feel cared for; connected; nurtured; not alone. There are people in our corner. Friends.

Marriage is more about friendship than about romance. In essence, we get married because we feel good around this person. They make us feel better than does anyone on the planet. In fact, they make us feel so good that we want to make that feeling permanent. Sure, there’s romance, but romance without friendship is just sensual. It’s emotional and maybe physical, but as enjoyable as those are, they won’t sustain a marriage. Marriage is sustained at the level of attachment needs. And attachment needs have more in common with friendship than with passion.

What are attachment needs? They are identified in Attachment Theory as “the bottom line” of human relationships; even of human formation. Ideally, our attachment needs are met by our parents or primary caregivers. They include acceptance, safety, belonging, nurture, comfort, love, and respect. That is, we don’t have to “be more like our brother” in order to be loved by mom; we are accepted for who we are and who we aren’t. We have a  secure sense of belonging the family; we’re not threatened with abandonment, or cut lose to fend for ourselves. Our primary protectors actually keep us safe; they don’t endanger us. We find nurture and encouragement to become who we’re wired to be. When we’re hurt, or sad we find comfort in these human relationships. It is in such emotionally and physically safe relationships that we discover love and respect as a human being. From this base of human attachment, we have a place from which to launch and replicate other healthy relationships.

That’s where relationships live. All relationships—parents and children, spouses, friendships, neighbors, co-workers. All relationships come down to this… feeling good. Do we make them feel good? Do they make us feel good? “Feeling good” comes down to feeling attached to someone who is safe to be attached to; someone who is there for us, not against us; someone who accepts us, nurtures us, comforts us, loves us; someone who will be there in our time of need. A friend.

Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington has observed couples in relationship for forty years and concluded that if there is one thing that holds together a marriage more than anything else, it’s friendship. That’s not very sexy; it’s not filled with “romantical” images. But a lover who isn’t a friend is a dangerous playmate.  If we’re going to superglue ourselves to someone for life, better that someone be friendly than merely sexy. Attachment will soon become more important than attraction. In fact, attraction will grow stronger with attachment, as what could be more attractive than someone who is safe, nurturing, accepting, and comforting? Relationships come down to that.