Pause! A key relationship skill

Our first impulse is likely to be self-aware, at least; self-centered, perhaps; self-protective, likely; selfish, at worst. Love, by contrast, is other-centered. Love doesn’t come naturally, and rarely first. It takes a pause to get there. I don’t often re-post others’ writings, but I think Richard Rohr (with whom I’m not always on the same page) describes this reality well as “The Second Gaze” in the following post.

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The Second Gaze Friday, January 1, 2021 New Year’s Day 

Contemplation happens to everyone. It happens in moments when we are open, undefended, and immediately present. — Gerald May 

Even after fifty years of practicing contemplation, my immediate response to most situations includes attachment, defensiveness, judgment, control, and analysis. I am better at calculating than contemplating. A good New Year’s practice for us would be to admit that that most of us start there. The false self seems to have the “first gaze” at almost everything. 

On my better days, when I am “open, undefended, and immediately present,” I can sometimes begin with a contemplative mind and heart. Most of the time I can get there later and even end there, but it is usually a second gaze. The True Self seems to always be ridden and blinded by the defensive needs of the separate self. It is an hour-by-hour battle, at least for me. I can see why all spiritual traditions insist on some form of daily prayer; in fact, morning, midday, evening, and before-we-go-to-bed prayer would be a good idea too! Otherwise, we can assume that we will fall right back in the cruise control of small and personal self-interest, the pitiable and fragile smaller self. 

The first gaze is seldom compassionate. It is too busy weighing and feeling itself: “How will this affect me?” or “How does my self-image demand that I react to this?” or “How can I get back in control of this situation?” This leads to an implosion of self-preoccupation that cannot enter into communion with the other or the moment. In other words, we first feel our feelings before we can relate to the situation and emotion of the other. Only after God has taught us how to live “undefended” can we immediately (or at least more quickly) stand with and for the other, and for the moment. 

It has taken me much of my life to begin to get to the second gaze. By nature, I have a critical mind and a demanding heart, and I am impatient. (I’m a One on the Enneagram!) These are both my gifts and my curses, as you might expect. Yet I cannot have one without the other, it seems. I cannot risk losing touch with either my angels or my demons. They are both good teachers. The practice of solitude and silence allows them both, and leads to the second gaze. The gaze of compassion, looking out at life from the place of divine intimacy is really all I have, and all I have to give, even though I don’t always do it. 

In the second gaze, critical thinking and compassion are finally coming together. It is well worth waiting for, because only the second gaze sees fully and truthfully. It sees itself, the other, and even God with God’s own eyes, the eyes of compassion, which always move us to act for peace and justice. But it does not reject the necessary clarity of critical thinking, either. Normally, we start with dualistic thinking, and then move toward nondual for an enlightened response. As always, both/and! 

Richard Rohr 

How to Pray for Those with Whom We Disagree

Sometimes it’s hard to pray for people, especially if we disagree with them, think they’re wrong, or consider them an enemy. We read Jesus’ words, “Love for your enemy and pray those who persecute you” (Mt. 5:44) and wonder how to do that. Below is a method.

The beginning of love is other-centeredness. Step one is to understand another’s heart, mind, circumstances, and needs. Ask God for that understanding. Pray in light of what you’ve come to understand. Pray for them, Jesus said (not against them).

Total Person Filter:   What is going on for them?

Emotionally

Physically

Intellectually

Socially

Spiritually

Basic Psychological Needs filter: What are their human needs? 

Security

Love

Recognition 

New Experiences

Freedom from guilt and shame

Concept from The Lifestyle of Healthy Leaders: Integrating Spiritual Formation and Leadership Development, by Dr. Charles Miller (also titled: The Spiritual Formation of Leaders), summarized here by Doug Burford. 

Ready, Set… Resist Re-setting

Funny what a pandemic can teach us: 

  Outdoors is restorative. 

 Screen-time will consume all time if we let it.

 Relationships give meaning to life.   

 Togetherness requires yielded-ness. 

 Electronic entertainment isn’t, after a while.  

 Face-to-face, not FaceTime or FaceBook. 

 We can live by computer alone, but who wants to?  

 Variety really is the spice of life. 

 We can get almost anything we want online, except what we want most.  

 We need each other. 

 Touch is irreplaceable.

 There is a void filled only by the Spirit.

 If we don’t move, we won’t move. 

 What stressed us before the pandemic need be reduced. 

✚ What calmed us during the pandemic need be increased.

Isolation

What if we knew our enemy’s tactics, exactly? Would we discern differently, decide otherwise, or use alternate criteria to measure success? Paul tells us we do know the devil’s tactics. In 2 Corinthians 2:11, he says, “…we are not unaware of his schemes” (NIV).

What are they, then? They are many; yet his goal is singular: isolation. This makes perfect sense, given that Scripture reveals a God who exists in a relationship of love between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. So inseparable is God from communal identity that John goes so far as to define God by one word, “God is love” (1 John 4:8b). Thus unfolds the story of God creating a people designed for relationship. God’s first impression of the prototypical human being was, “Not good,” because Adam was alone. The human creation that bore God’s image was not complete until there was a pair (Genesis 1:27). God proceeded to then call persons to himself in covenant relationship; and through them a nation in covenant. He redeemed that people over and over again until the final redemption in Christ, who opened the covenant to all nations in fulfillment of the Abrahamic covenant (Genesis 22:18). Then in God’s earthly ministry, the Messiah broke down walls of division, leaving behind a blended Church, the unity of which the apostles repeatedly beseeched congregations to defend. Christ and the early Church also defended the human incubator that is marriage in a culture quick to find sex outside of covenant, and prone to place personal pursuits above mutually protective, familial commitment. In Christ’s high priestly prayer for the disciples and all those who would follow them—ever—Jesus’ final prayer implores, “…that they may be one, even as we are one.” (John 17:11b) Out of all the things Jesus could have asked on behalf of his spiritual progeny, he asks for oneness—for unity in relationship. So, from the genesis of human creation to the very end of Jesus’ life, relational unity is God’s heartbeat. No wonder isolation is the enemy’s preeminent goal. 

With this understanding, the devil’s tactics become obvious. Our ultimate enemy will use anything and nothing, from trivial spats to global warfare to separate us from one another and leave us utterly alone. So, he lauds sex without marriage or children as utopian, not disclosing the lonesome result. He idealizes independence, as technological advances enable us to accomplish nearly anything with the tap of a screen, without any help. We used to need to get people together to get things done; there was a limit to what one person could do, alone. Now, in order to “get something done,” we have to banish ourselves to a lonely place where people won’t interrupt our keyboarding. This is productive if the most important things are accomplished on a computer. But if love is the most important thing (Romans 13:10; 1 Corinthians 13;13; 1 Timothy 1:5; 1 John 4:8), as lived out in Scripture’s “one another” mandates, then to divide and isolate people is a certain way to ensure the Lord’s will will not be done, no matter how busy his people. 

We are people of the frog who’ve woken up in a kettle hot with division and isolation. It is only from movies and old people’s memories that we can imagine nearly communal parenting based on a common ethic, or singing and playing instruments together because it was the only way to have music, or shopkeepers and beat-cops who knew everyone by name, or employers who hired based on reputation, or the un-feared roadside assistance of a stranger, or asking for a hand rather than reaching for a power tool. 

So, yes, we do know our enemy’s tactics. Whatever will divide or thwart relationships and leave us alone. He’ll use anything from false teachers (2 Peter 2:1) to favorite preachers (1 Corinthians 1:10-17), to political division (Acts 23:7), to judgmental pride (Proverbs 16:18), to serial dating, to technological advancements and productivity enhancements. Christ’s goal, on the other hand, is by his Spirit to make us one, even as he and the Father are one (John 17).

Factors of Well-Being -a daily tracking chart

Following is a chart of factors that typically contribute to feelings of well-being as compared to stress, anxiety, worry, and depression. It provides a good start to identifying what factors contribute to our well-being, and what deficits may lead to feeling bad. The chart can also be helpful in caring for others (children, elders, even spouses), who have their own ups and downs, and may need our help improving some of these factors.

Instructions below (chart’s back side) give more factor details. 

 

Well-Being Factors ChartWell-Being Factors Chart INSTRUCTIONS

 

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